[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m giving up for Lent.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”