I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.