do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss