I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If looks could kill
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.