As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.