When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
There’s always that one guy
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”