[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….