[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?