ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
can you read it!!??
maan!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Wake me when AI does housework
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly