I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Why is no one talking about this?!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.