“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun