How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting