“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.