Great game to play with friends
You Might Also Like
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.