My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
This was the best day of my life
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes