Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
You Might Also Like
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Air conditioning – not a fan
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac