When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
fixed it
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Whoa 😂
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Nice try Hitler
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
then why did i get this email
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him