*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
mechanics be like
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Just so funny
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Carpe DM
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
There’s never enough good news
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft