I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis