Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
This squirrel eats better than I do
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?