[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.