Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
12653.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
All. The. Damn. Time.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!