Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You Might Also Like
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
not for long
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite