I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Friday night party time 🥳
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*