yall want some gasoline milk
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Liquor Store Parking
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.