jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
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I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
why does this building look like a guilty dog
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I think we should hear other voices.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.