Body by Oreos
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I don鈥檛 remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour鈥檚 backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
me: you know what鈥檚 not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit