me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Finally!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?