Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.