Hot hot hot 🥵
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Wait a minute…
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
You can’t outrun your problems…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!