Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.