Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Velcrow
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
is this how new cars are made??
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*