I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
the answer was staring at me all along
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
What my back needs
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children