Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You Might Also Like
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.