The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security