A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I would like even faster food.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.