If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”