The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.