Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
He’s dead
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.