Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here