Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
You Might Also Like
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”