[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder