I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place