My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
You Might Also Like
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.