Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.