[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
anyone else like Italian cereal
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
mood
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
tis the season