They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.