Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.