Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes