I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
describing stardew valley